Here are the facts. Number one: my roommate has been online dating for years. Number two: she says she always ends up talking about me on these dates. Number three: she’s single. The latter is a fact her grandmother reminds her of much too often. Now, I’m no lawyer—although my sixth grade teacher did suggest I join Speech and Debate after a particularly persuasive reenactment of the climatic court scene from To Kill A Mockingbird—but I could argue these three facts are related. If it pleases the court, I’d like to elaborate on how the typical encounter with Mr. Could-Be-Right might play out…
Doctor_Whom: (perusing the menu) This place is supposed to have great seafood.
PrincessLeya33: NO! Sorry. No seafood.
Doctor_Whom: Whoa. Is that an allergy or a phobia? Just so you know, you can hold my hand if a shrimp salad goes by.
PrincessLeya33: No, but thanks. It’s a funny story really. Well, first, you kind of need to know my roommate has all these random jobs.
Doctor_Whom: And one is a deep-sea fisherman?
PrincessLeya33: Close. She teaches after school workshops for kids.
Doctor_Whom: Same thing.
PrincessLeya33: One happens to be Marine Biology.
Doctor_Whom: Then she’s a marine biologist too?
PrincessLeya33: If by marine biologist you mean she always carries a lab coat in her trunk, then yes.
Doctor_Whom: Okay, stupid question maybe, but, uh, why does she carry a lab coat in her trunk?
PrincessLeya33: That’s where she keeps all her costumes. And a parachute, and magic tricks, and balloons. She’s also a clown.
Doctor_Whom: I hate, hate, HATE clowns!
PrincessLeya33: Me too! But her clown is seriously adorable. Pink pigtails. Slinky belt. And she does characters sometimes. She’s been Elmo, Snow White, Ariel–
Doctor_Whom: Like in the shell bikini?
PrincessLeya33: Yep. Just don’t ask her about Hello Kitty.
Doctor_Whom: Why would–
Doctor_Whom: Back up, what’s a clown doing teaching Marine Biology?
PrincessLeya33: She was supposed to teach Lego Building class.
Doctor_Whom: Because she keeps a hard hat in her trunk?
PrincessLeya33: (laughing) No… But yes, she does. This company has her running a bunch of different workshops, typically the artsy classes though. She loves that stuff. She even makes puppets. Not for class, for herself. They’re usually out of condoms, but that’s another story. Going back to why no seafood–
Doctor_Whom: Really? You’re not going to explain that?
PrincessLeya33: Nope. That’s a second date story. Wink! So today, I was digging in the fridge looking for something sweet, when I opened a bag filled with… wait for it… two… wait for it… sharks! It turned out she was dissecting them for class. And I thought they were cookies! Hilarious, right?
Doctor_Whom: What? Sorry, I missed that. To be clear, you’re telling me somewhere out there is an adorable teacher-type with access to a shell bikini, who is surrounded by condoms and may very well call me a “bad boy” if I ask her about her Hello Kitty?
PrincessLeya33: (beat) She’s also an improviser. She lives by the rule “Never Say No.”
Doctor_Whom: Excuse me for a minute. I need to stop in the restroom.
PrincessLeya33: With your coat?
I rest my case. And I can definitely explain that condom puppet thing.