Excerpts from the transcript of The People vs. Elmo the Fake
PROSECUTION: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the witness testimony speaks for itself. On the morning in question, the defendant did willfully and with malice walk into Peek-a-boo Play Place dressed as Elmo the Red Monster with the deliberate intent to defraud the birthday boy. Indeed, it was a near perfect crime. She had even convinced the boy’s parents to play accomplice to her little charade! But when she failed to remember the name of Elmo’s pet fish, well, all of her immoral plotting fell apart… Sure, I may not be as learned as the defendant. After all, I haven’t graduated pre-school yet. Still, there are a few things I do know, and one is that if you lie, especially about being a beloved television personality with a penchant for talking in the third person, you will be caught and you will be punished. The other thing is that penguins spend 75% of their lives underwater. The Prosecution rests.
DEFENSE: Your miniature honor, boys and girls of the jury, this whole trial is absurd. Not all lies are bad! Look at Santa Claus.
JUDGE: Sustained. Ms. Layne, you’ve already been warned about these slanderous attacks on Santa.
DEFENSE: Sorry. All I keep asking myself is what’s wrong with believing? And what’s wrong with playing along even if you don’t believe, if it brings another child joy? Lying isn’t black and white. It’s red. Elmo red. I don’t belong here in Kidz Kourt. And by the way, “Kidz” has an “s” not a “z” and “Kourt” doesn’t start with a “k.” It’s not cute, it just teaches poor spelling habits. Thank you.
JUDGE: Madame Foreperson, has the jury reached a verdict?
MADAME FOREPERSON: Yes, your honor. On the charge of impersonating Elmo, we find the defendant guilty. On the charge of making too many balloon dogs, we find the defendant guilty.
DEFENSE: That’s all you asked for!
JUDGE: Order! I hereby sentence you to be stripped of your costume in front of everyone while the parents look on apathetically. Let’s hope to Mickey you wore pants underneath.
END OF TRANSCRIPT